Mid-Thirties Reflections * Love in your 20's: If I knew then...

Can you believe that it’s already July?  This means that it’s almost August.  Far too close to my birthday for comfort!  I don’t typically have anything against my birthday, however this year I will be turning 35.  And I’m not quite certain how I feel about that yet.

The older I get, the more I realize that 35 isn’t really “old” after all.  However I can’t shake the feeling that everything before 35 was technically still “young” and being viewed as a woman in her early thirties hasn’t been so bad.  Now I’m facing the dreaded “mid-thirties” and that just seems so, I don’t know…matronly…

      

       

Now I think I am close to where I “should” be at this age.  I’m in a long term relationship, have a young child, own my own home, have a nice job, a reliable vehicle and even a cat!  The only thing I’m missing is the white picket fence!  So of course I can’t complain.  I mean it really is the natural course that we are all expected to take.  Yet I sometimes long for those younger days when I had the luxury of being fairly self absorbed.   Back when my biggest worries were dramatic relationship roller coasters and whether or not my hangover was bad enough to call out of work!  I often grow nostalgic & reminisce on those times and I get to feeling somewhat lonely in this grownup role where I’m so…needed.

Yet I’m quickly reminded how lucky I am to have moved on from that.  And even more lucky to have survived!  The more I think about it the more I realize that I would not really want to go back to all of that.  Ugh…all the ups & downs, heartache, second guessing, near misses, uncertainty & the bad, bad choices!  I work with some younger gals and as I hear their stories it just transports me back to those days.  The new love, excitement, future plans, working through problems, deciding whether to keep trying or not and even breaking up.  Those memories are still so fresh I can still feel that ache.  The ache you feel the morning after a breakup in that moment when you realize it was not just a dream.  My heart breaks for what they go through and I just wish that I could impart my painfully gained wisdom on them to spare them the same mistakes that I already made!  Don't call him (seriously), don't always be available and don't always be understanding!  Don't let your fabulosity wear off for some dude who doesn't worship you!  And NO...these ideas are not old-fashioned, they are simply based on the nature of things.  Don't believe me?  Just try & you'll soon become a believer!

So the best I can do is to listen, extend some nuggets of advice & recommend the following life changing & empowering books:

1.)

Stop Getting Dumped! by Lisa Daily

From how to spot bad boys and jerks before they break your heart to the secret to getting a man to call you to the five common mistakes women make that push men away, this practical, step-by-step guide to meeting and keeping "Mr. Right" tells it like it is, and gives advice that is easy to follow and amazingly effective.

2.)

Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl - A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship

 by Sherry Argov

Do you feel like you are too nice? Sherry Argov's national bestseller Why Men Love Bitches delivers a unique perspective as to why men are attracted to a strong woman who stands up for herself. With saucy detail on every page, this no-nonsense guide reveals why a strong woman is much more desirable than a "yes woman" who routinely sacrifices herself. The New York Times bestselling author provides compelling answers to the tough questions women often ask.

3.) 

The Rules (TM): Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right

 by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider

You are a creature unlike any other (Rule #1)--that's why you need . . . The Rules. A simple set of dos and don'ts, The Rules will lead you to where you want to be: in a healthy, committed relationship. Unlike today's haphazard dating customs, The Rules recognizes certain facts of life. That men know what they want. That a man is either attracted to you--or not! That men want a challenge, not an instant or easy victory. When you follow these commonsense guidelines, you treat yourself with respect and dignity--and demand that men do likewise. Although they sound old-fashioned ("Don't see him more than once or twice a week"), they encourage you to lead a full, satisfying, busy life--outside of romance. Although they seem tough ("Don't talk to a man first"), they will teach you how to accept occasional defeat and move on. And although they require discipline ("No more than casual kissing on the first date"), they will bring out the best in you and in the men you date.

4.) 

The Rules(TM) II: More Rules to Live and Love by

 by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider

IN 1995 THE RULES WAS QUIETLY PUBLISHED...AND DATING HAS NEVER BEEN THE SAME SINCE! Women passed it from hand to hand until THE RULES changed women's lives all over the world. Its secret? THE RULES work!

NOW THE RULES II ANSWERS ALL YOUR QUESTIONS ABOUT THE RULES!

Based on the most commonly asked questions from the thousands of queries to The Rules hotline, this book shows you how to do The Rules in even the most difficult-and tempting!-situations.

5.) 

Not Your Mother's Rules: The New Secrets for Dating (The Rules)

 by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider

When The Rules was published in 1995, its message was straightforward: be mysterious. But for women looking for love today, it's not quite so simple. In a world of instant messaging, location check-ins, and status updates, where hook-ups have become the norm and formal one-on-one dates seem a thing of the past, it's difficult to retain the air of mystery that keeps men interested. 

Now, with help from their daughters, the original Rules Girls Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider share their thoroughly modern, fresh take on dating that will help women in today's information age create the happy love lives they want and deserve. Whether you're a 20-something dating for the first time, a 30-something tired of being single, a 40-something giving advice to your daughter, or a 50-something getting back in the dating game, this book has the answers you've been waiting for.

6.) 

He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys

 by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo

He’s Just Not That Into You—based on a popular episode of Sex and the City—is tough love advice for otherwise smart women on how to tell when a guy just doesn’t like them enough, so they can stop wasting time making excuses for a dead-end relationship. It’s the best relationship advice you’ll ever receive.

For ages, women have come together over coffee, cocktails, or late-night phone chats to analyze the puzzling behavior of men.

7.) 

Why Men Marry Bitches: A Woman's Guide to Winning Her Man's Heart

 by Sherry Argov

As in her previous book, Why Men Love Bitches, Argov does not use the word "bitch" in a pejorative way, but rather "to describe a strong woman who has her own identity and is secure with who she is." And while encouraging women to be strong, independent and inscrutable is sound advice, the motivation behind this advice-to keep his interest-makes for a headache-inspiring contradiction. Fortunately, Argov takes readers step-by-step through her process, including numerous "Relationship Principles" that keeps her concepts clear ("Relationship Principle 35: Men are intrigued by anything they do not completely control."). Though the generalizations Argov uses to describe her pre-bitch audience can at times be condescending, and her goals are more about acting-rather than believing-that you don't need a man to feel complete, the behavior she encourages is healthy and useful, even outside the realm of husband-hunting. Taken more as a Bitch's Guide to Life-the word "relationship," after all, doesn't necessarily imply romance-this is a solid self-help.

8.) 

Don't Call That Man!: A Survival Guide to Letting Go

 by Rhonda Findling

There is life after a failed relationship, as long as you Don't Call That Man!. In this inspirational, revolutionary guide to letting go and moving on after the trauma of a breakup, psychotherapist Rhonda Findling teaches women how to triumph over the almost obsessive urge to pick up the phone.

With its prescriptive, easy-to-follow approach, Don't Call That Man! is an indispensable tool for weathering the pain of heartbreak. It features simple exercises that provide an emotional outlet for a difficult process; charts that schedule free time away from the telephone; and much more...

9.) 

The Commitment Cure: What to Do When You Fall for an Ambivalent Man
 by Rhonda Findling M.A.C.R.C.
Ambivalence (am-biv-e-lens) n. 1. The existence of mixed feelings toward someone or something. Difficulty in reaching a decision.

Ambivalent Man (am-biv-e-lent man) n. Abbreviation: AM. 1. One who exhibits or feels ambivalence toward women. 2. One who plays games. He wants a relationship; he wants to break up. He’s confused, mixed up, inconsistent, and unpredictable. Yet he’s irresistible and easy to fall in love with . . . and almost sure to cause a broken heart.

The Commitment Cure is the first book to help women figure out what to do once they’ve fallen for an "AM" by helping to demystify the six types of Ambivalent Men and their characteristics. The six types are...

10.) 

Deal Breakers: When to Work On a Relationship and When to Walk Away

 by Bethany Marshall

This is a book about men. Not all men, just emotionally unhealthy men. The ones who make you question, "Is it him or is it me? Am I making too big a deal out of this? I try to tell him how I feel, but he says I'm overreacting or needy or it's all my fault." 

Relationships are hard work, but how hard should they be? When do you know you are struggling too hard to make a relationship succeed? 

Deal Breakers is about getting out of this "relationship purgatory" -- where the present is unfulfilling and the future is the only thing you can hope for. But there is no magic future. If he won't work on problems today, it's unlikely they'll ever be resolved. And passively hoping for change will only cost you years of depression or expensive therapy...